Hurt Me
by redsparrow1060
Summary: How far can you go to protect the people you love? (Warning; OC centric, sober!Gamzee, a bit of sadstuck.)


**Welcome to my first(published) attempt at writing for Homestuck. Let me know if Gamzee's horribly OOC, since he's the only canon character who really shows up. By the way, Fanfiction ate Annemarie's typing quirk, she's supposed to have the little triangles bookending her sentences. Enjoy, and please review!**

* * *

_You knew it would happen._

She kneels in the corner, shaking. Warm red blood drips from her fingers, and she wipes them on her shirt. Her chainsaws are at her feet, and she is crying. Her face and hair are caked with grime. She has been hiding in an old storage room since she read Karkat's memo. The twins are with him, Trixie is on her planet, Annemarie is in Prospit, her real self hidden away, and she has no idea where Janet is, but she isn't here.

They're safe, that's all that matters. She is not.

Nepeta and Equius are dead. She found their bodies, and she cried. Then she heard the honking, and she cried more, silently. She ran, and now she is hiding.

She hates herself right now. Hates herself because she couldn't save them. Hates herself because she felt death coming, but dismissed it as a bad dream. Hates herself because she hears dead voices screaming in her ears. So much death. For the first time since she entered the game, she curses her title of Witch of Doom.

She strains her ears. She can't hear him. She's glad, and sad at the same time. She never thought she would be afraid of him. He's always been like a teddy bear to her. A huge, stoned, alien teddy bear, who held her hand and gave her hugs and laughed when she laughed at tornadoes and hurricanes and things most people wouldn't laugh at.

He's not a teddy bear anymore. Teddy bears don't murder their friends. He's not the same boy she watched through the veil. He's not the boy who spun her around in circles and made her feel truly happy, not just amused. He's not the boy who comforted her when her voices became too much and she cried herself back to sleep in his arms. He's not the boy she fell in love with.

She hears the honking, and she freezes.

Honk. Honk. Honk.

She can't hear his voice or footsteps, but that doesn't mean anything. She unwraps her arm from her ribs, gritting her teeth, and picks up the chainsaws. She stumbles to her feet, pressing her back to the wall. _Ignore the pain. It won't help._

She doesn't dare to breathe.

The voices only grow louder. _Kill him. Kill him. He would be a good fight, a great kill. He's doomed. They're doomed. You're all doomed._

There are two different kinds of voices. There are the doom voices, and the insanity voices. The doom voices have been there since the start of the game. They tell her her session is null. They tell her her alien friends will die. They give her nightmares, horrible ones that made her wake screaming in the night, worse than any Derse dreamer she knew.

The insanity voices have been there her whole life. For a while, they were quiet and she could ignore them easily. Annemarie and her big sister and the internet chased them away, but they came back when she started playing. They made her unpredictable, violent, eager for battle so she could bleed the bloodlust out. That way, she wouldn't hurt the ones she loved.

She hates them both right now, more than she usually does. They only make her fear worse.

She hopes it's just another sick nightmare; it feels like one, but her logical part, small as it is, says different. She desperately wants to wake up; she wants to run down the twisting paths of the meteor, no longer covered in multicolored blood, and run into his arms. She wants him to stroke her hair and say it'll be okay. _It wasn't motherfucking real, lil' mama. It's okay. _She can imagine his gentle touches and his smell, imagine his hugs. He gave the best hugs.

She misses him so, so much.

Honk. Honk. Honk.

More tears fall. She curls her hands tighter around the chainsaw handles, so much it hurts. Her recent hand wounds split open, and her bleeding starts up again. She mumbles a quiet curse, then freezes.

The honking stops.

_Please God. If you're real. Please._

"Siiiiiis. Oh Hillary-sis. You there, motherfucker?"

She inhales sharply. The voices scream. Her fingers loop through the startup cords, and she prays. Trixie says God is dead or never existed. Izzy says xe's real, but is different from what people think xe is. Whatever the answer, she just wants someone to answer.

Hillary doesn't know what she thinks. All she knows is it's time to move.

"I can hear you, sis."

She breaks. Feet scrabble for purchase, and hands tighten on metal. She bursts forward. Metal walls fly past her and wind kisses her face. All she can hear are the honks and the pounding of her heart. She hits something warm, and she feels arms try to wrap around her. She spirals out, under and away, a sob escaping from her throat.

"Why you up and motherfucking running away from me, sis? I thought I was your friend!" He's so angry. She feels the rage from him. It's the same feeling when Janet goes into her battle mode. Only stronger.

Her chainsaws come to life, and she spins around, feeling them catch on something, and his roar of pain. She runs, hearing the honks growing fainter. By this time, she's a mess. Tremors shake the ground.

She has to keep her powers under control, or she could tear the meteor apart. The rocks hum. They want to jump under her feet. They want to push up and give her escape, let her leap away into the embrace of earth and night.

"Come back, sis. It's time for you to join the dark carnival, heh."

Honk.

_Don't listen. Don't listen. It isn't really him, Hillsbury._

She can't see. Her tears have blinded her, and every five seconds she hits a wall. It doesn't matter. She has to get away. If she stops, if she turns, she will have to kill him. And she doesn't think she can do it. The voices tell her to, but she'll burn in the ninth ring of hell before she listens to them.

Her lungs burn as she runs. She pants, but she keeps going. She still thinks she hears him, even as she breaks to the surface, pulling the mask from her captchalogue just in time. She didn't know if there was an atmosphere to the meteor. She runs, and runs, and runs, until she finally collapses in a small cave.

She gasps for air, her chest heaving. She looks out, and sees nothing. The tremors stop, and she slumps to the ground. Tears leave streaks on her dusty face, and her hands burn from the dirt in the open wounds.

Her mask hums; an incoming Pesterchum message. She responds.

_heterochromaticRapaces (HR) began pestering unnaturalDisaster (UD) at 17:35_

_HR: Hillary, what's going on?_

_HR: I'm locked in my respite-shit, my room. Heh, you know I've spent too much time with trolls. :)_

_HR: I've been pestering Nep to let me out, but she won't answer. :(_

_UD: __**A-M, Nep's dead.**_

_HR: What?!_

_UD: __**I don't know why, but Eridan killed Fef and Kanaya. And Gamzee's gone on some rampage.**_

_UD: __**He killed Nepeta and Equius.**_

_HR: Where are you?_

_UD: __**I'm fine. My hands are torn up, but I'm able. I'm hiding out in a cave on the surface.**_

_UD: _**…**

_UD: __**I'm not doing so good, bestie. :(**_

_HR: I can guess. I'm coming out, give me five minutes._

_UD: __**No, don't! Annemarie, he killed **__**Equius**__**. You can't stand up against him. You have to stay safe.**_

_HR: ..._

_HR: Okay, fine. You knew him the best._

_HR: I'll be back in a second._

_heterochromaticRapaces ceased pestering unnaturalDisaster at 17:40_

_heterochromaticRapaces began pestering unnaturalDisaster at 17:45_

_HR: I checked on the others. The twins are with Karkat, they're shaken up and scared shitless but okay. Trixie's on her planet fighting a bunch of monsters. But Jan isn't answering._

_HR: He didn't get her, did he?_

_UD: __**No, he didn't. She's okay...I think.**_

_UD: __**...she sort of disappeared in a burst of white light.**_

_HR: You're fucking kidding me, right?_

_HR: And you couldn't pester me to let me know?!_

_UD: __**A-M, this is the first time my mask has worked since this all started. I thought it was busted.**_

_UD: __**I think someone kept me from telling you.**_

_HR: Do you think it was the white text guy? Karkat's been bitching about him lately, but he's never bothered us._

_HR: That I know of._

_UD: __**I'm not sure. In all honesty, I don't really care.**_

_UD: __**Anna, I don't think I can kill him.**_

_UD: __**They've been telling me to**_

_UD: __**but I can't**_

_HR: Fuck. Hillary, you stay put, got it?_

_HR: I'm stopping by LOCAL and picking up some backup. Trixie's in the loop and raring for Eridan's blood, though-hope you don't have anything for fish stick._

_HR: I'll get you out of there._

_UD: __**All right**_

_UD: __**If you're sure**_

_UD: __**Be careful**_

_UD: __**Please**_

_HR: Promise. :)_

_heterochromaticRapaces (HR) ceased pestering unnaturalDisaster (UD) at 18:00_

_terminallyCapricious (TC) began trolling unnaturalDisaster (UD) at 18:01_

_TC: HI SIS_

_UD: __**Gamzee**_

_UD: __**why did you do it**_

_TC: i dont even get a motherfucking hi_

_TC: thats rude sis_

_TC: IM JUST DOING WHAT I WAS MEANT TO DO_

_TC: where are you hillary sis_

_TC: I WANT YOU TO JOIN THE PARTY_

_UD: __**there's no fucking party here Gam**_

_UD: __**what happened to you**_

_TC: nothing happened sis_

_TC: I WAS ALWAYS THIS WAY_

_TC: you just didnt see it_

_UD: __**i'm sorry**_

_UD: __**goodbye**_

_TC: cant just leave me hanging sis_

_unnaturalDisaster (UD) ceased pestering terminallyCapricious (TC) at 18:06_

_TC: or maybe you can_

_TC: heh_

_TC: I'M COMING FOR YOU SIS_

_TC: its your turn_

_TC: honk_

_terminallyCapricious (TC) ceased trolling unnaturalDisaster (UD) at 18:07_

She curls inward, and cries.

* * *

Time passes, she isn't sure how much. All she is conscious of is her tears and the sound of silence in her mind. She doesn't hear the soft footsteps, nor does she hear the thump of a staff into the ground. She doesn't hear the thunk as the staff falls to the ground, or the quiet swears and clink of rings against the handle of a bat.

She does feel arms wrap around her, and pull her up. Human arms, decorated with rips and tears in the soft brown sleeves covering them. She rests her head against the collarbone of her best friend, and her tears soak Annemarie's woolly coat.

Trixie kneels next to them, placing a hand on Hillary's shoulder. She looks up. Trixie is shaking; her teeth gritted tightly, and her free hand tightly gripping her bat. Unshed tears glimmer in rage filled eyes. The look on her face promises a slow death for Eridan once the larger threat of Gamzee has been neutralized. Annemarie pulls Hillary up, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Do you think you can fight?" Annemarie asks quietly. Hillary bites her lip, drawing blood. She doesn't feel it.

"I can try. But I can't kill him." Hillary whispers. She bends, picking up her chainsaws and wrapping the start cords around her pointer fingers. She swings her hair out of her face, and pauses, stiffening. Her eyes grow haunted, even more so than they were before.

"I won't kill him. Shut the _fuck_ up." she whispers, under her breath. She grits her teeth. Tremors grow beneath her feet, and Annemarie and Trixie share a worried look.

Hillary strides out of the cave, dark auras growing around her. _Death, death, so much death,_ the doom voices keen.

_Death caused by who? _the insanity voices mumble. Hillary ignores both. She won't kill him. She loves him, she's flushed for him-however you want to put it-but if he tries to harm anyone else, it will end.

She can hurt the one she's red for.

But she can never kill him.

It's a curse, she supposes. Love is a curse.

She runs, and her friends follow her, like shadows. The meteor screams in agony, its rocky body shaken by the tremors caused by the tears and pain of the Witch of Doom. She jerks the cord, and chainsaws roar to life for a moment, then still. They still work.

Hillary looks at the door to the base. Her lip bleeds, and she licks the blood clean. Darkness grows around her, clinging to her. And she cries, even as a wide, bloody smile splits her pale face.

_I love you. I love you. You have to know that._

_But no one else must die tonight._


End file.
